19,99 $

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO FADES. LARRY WALKS ON STAGE, CARRYING A STACK OF PAPERS.]

Good evening, tv-watching folks! Welcome once again to Sellevision, the completely televised catalogue of things you didn’t KNOW you needed!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I’m your host, Larry. Yknow, from accounting? That Larry. Hiya!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

So. Y’know, we’ve got some uh, some real good stuff for you on offer today. It’s a very special episode, after all. Can’t air a program without doing a Dependence Day special, hehe.

Without further ado, let’s get right into it.

So, you see, what we got here is… ah, it’s lovely. This one’s a winner, folks. It’s a real beaut. Ever wanted to know the human skeleton like the back of your hand? This Do-It-Yourself Anatomy Set is bound to please your desires. See, it comes with everything you need. All the various bonesaws and scalpels, a diagram or two, some disinfectant, a rag… all you need is your subject. Pets, people, plants! You name it, you can dissect it!

[AUDIENCE CLAPS]

Alright alright, settle down everybody. It’s not that good. Not when you see what else we have. In any case, the whole package, it’s yours for 50 bucks. That’s fifty united states dollars. Call within the next fifteen minutes, you get two. Delight a friend!

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. NEXT TO IT IS A PHONE NUMBER.]

Alright, so this next one it’s… uh, it’s a doozy. You see, here we go. Truly you too have problems at home with those cupboards, right? You open em, and stuff falls out, and it makes a mess, and it’s really really bad… Heh. Yeah, well we’ve got a solution. See this is… uh…

[LARRY WHISPERS TO A STAGEHAND. DIGITAL ENHANCEMENT IDENTIFIED WORDS SUCH AS “…A fucking padlock…” AND “…Expect me to sell this shit…”]

A-hem. So, this is the Mess-Bye Inc. Cupboard Protector. It seals the doors to that one cupboard you got. Protect stuff with it, if you want. You could probably use it on something else too, go wild. Twenty bucks, it’s yours.

[VIDEO SNIPPET OF WOMAN FAILING TO OPERATE A CUPBOARD]

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Alright, cool it you guys. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get through, so uh, just… just bear with me alright? Stop trying to rush me.

So, this, this is a real gem ladies and gents. Ever woke up one morning, hungry for something to snack on, yet there was nothing in the house to suit your tastes? Why not try Peanut™? It’s uh, it really is one! It’s a peanut, folks. There you have it.

[FANFARE SNIPPET PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Hold on, I haven’t even explained what you can do wi- Y’know what, forget it. Figure it out yourself. Let’s just swiftly move on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS UPROARIOUSLY]

Yeah, this is good. This product is a good one. Having trouble gathering out in the woods, because your friends keep getting chilly? Need something to impress that new Being you are trying to appease? Why not try MayaTek Insulated Robes?

Whether you are worshiping a forbidden legume or the patron saint of apathy, just put these on and immediately give your prayers that little bit ‘extra’ that we all want. 70 bucks, but you can pay it over the course of 4 months if you can’t do that.

[AUDIENCE CHANTS SOFTLY]

Nice. Good stuff, use it myself all the time. Company meeting room has this really awful air conditioning we can’t turn off. Alright, what’s next… uh… Yeah!

Tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Need a pick-me-up? Going out to town with friends, and want to liven up the evening? Why not try out a vial of Crow Dust? You can get a tryout pack for free if you just call the number on the screen. It’s some pretty good stuff. I use it every day before I go to work, and man, lemme tell you, meetings become a lot more fun when you can only focus on counting the number of molecules in your fingernails.

Completely replaces whatever your body craves. Hunger is gone, thirst is no more. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, headaches, organ liquification, and kidney stones.

First one’s free! Rest will cost ya. Dunno how much, don’t care enough to remember. Anyways…

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

GOD, CAN YOU JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN FOR A SECOND?

Alright, that’s better.

[LARRY GRABS PISTOL FROM HIS POCKET]

So what we got here is pretty good, I use it on a daily basis. It’s called a Glock 17.

The 9x19mm Glock 17 is the most widely used law enforcement pistol worldwide and is one of the best selling handguns to civilians in the USA. Because of its unsurpassed reliability, above-average magazine capacity of 17 rounds and its low weight, it is trusted by law enforcement officers and security professionals worldwide. It is safe, easy and quick to use through the revolutionary "Safe Action" trigger system. Glock 17 - designed for professionals. 

475 dollars, give or take. No haggling.

[FANFARE SNIPPET FROM EARLIER PLAYS. LARRY LOOKS VISIBLY UNNERVED. HE IS STILL HOLDING THE PISTOL.]

Okay, I know what’s going to happen now. You’re gonna cheer. They’ll expect me to just stand here and take it. Alright, I get it. I get what they want from me. They’re not going to get it though. Not today.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

That’s right. I’m done with this. I’m done with all of you. And I’m done with that bozo over there manning the lights.

[LARRY TAKES AIM]

Goodnight, funnyman.

[LARRY FIRES OFF FOUR SHOTS. A SOFT THUMP IS HEARD AS A BATTERED CLOWN BODY HITS THE GROUND.]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

STOP IT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[LARRY WILDLY FIRES HIS PISTOL. FLESHY IMPACTS ARE HEARD AS NUMEROUS AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE STRUCK.]

STOP IIIIT! PLEASE!

[APPLAUSE]

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!

[LARRY FIRES A SHOT AT THE CAMERA, WHICH IMMEDIATELY FALLS TO THE GROUND. FILMING CONTINUES FROM THE FLOOR.]

It’s over. It has to be over. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go back. I can’t go back. I can’t go back.

[ONE LAST GUNSHOT IS HEARD]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot

Researchers exploring a warehouse on the edge of reality found the place known only as “Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot”, which had various prizes to be awarded to children that sold cases of salve for the company.

Grab Bag of Axes, Knives and Guns- A bag full of deadly weaponry and a pardon letter.

Glass Eye- A glass eye. Pupil dilates when it is brought near children’s cartoon merchandise.

Marble Ocarina- An ocarina that can only play Dick Dale’s rendition of Misirlou, including drums, regardless of the skill level of the person playing it.

Forbidden Baseball Cards-  A pack of baseball cards of various professional baseball players. Instead of statistics, it lists the date they were born and the date they died, despite most if not all of the players featured on the cards being alive at this moment.

Uncle Bobo’s “Science Can be Fun!” Chemistry Set- A box full of beakers and various powders. Analysis of the first bag of powder reveals its contents are mostly amphetamine.

Statue of Mickey Mouse- A statue of cartoon character “Mickey Mouse.” Not noteworthy apart from an inscription on the base reading “All hail.”

Tubes of Wacky Putty- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Counterclockwise Watch- None of our scientists can figure out why this thing refuses to tell the time like a normal watch, but they don’t care enough to try and fix it either.

Duct Tape Recorder- A tape recorder that can produce sounds out of the bountiful data that is stored on rolls of duct tape. It mostly tends to whisper secrets about whoever is listening.

Tub of Salve- One of the possible rewards for selling a tub of salve is another tub of salve. Not noteworthy apart from the intense feelings of pity the researchers had towards whoever the kids were who got this as a prize.

The Incredible Sulk- An action figure of a green, muscular humanoid with a button on its back. Pressing the button causes the small, tinny speaker embedded in its stomach to say various lines. All of the lines have the Sulk losing his job and his wife as subject.

"Super" Mario-  An action figure of pop culture icon and video game hero Super Mario. Price tag notes the "Super" in "Super Mario" in quotation marks, and scientists noted the face looked a tiny bit off, but they couldn't put their finger on it. 

A Small Monkey- Who the fuck ran this depot?

Uncle Bobo’s Urine Samples- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Bag Of Peanuts- Perfectly edible.

Real Motherfucking Tank- A real motherfuckin' tank, for steamrolling those goddamn bullies once and for all. All the kids that got this one were sorely disappointed once they found out the cannon doesn't function and the bible-verse-reciting comic relief sergeant in it wouldn't let them in. 

Elder Talisman- A necklace with a talisman depicting a symbol that can not be drawn by human hands. Researchers are unable to determine what material the necklace is made out of, but the safest bet is “nothing good.”

Uncle Bobo’s Tongue- A disembodied, forked tongue suspended in formaldehyde.

Walther P99- As the duty pistol for law enforcement agencies in North America, Europe and Asia, the P99 has endured the harshest operating conditions a handgun will ever see. What’s more, its ergonomics and engineering have evolved subtly in response to feedback from agencies over the years. The P99 is truly a world class handgun for professionals who must trust their lives to a firearm.

Uncle Bobo’s Britches- A pair of weird pants. Uncle Bobo appeared to lack a fashion sense along with common sense or a conscience.

Vortex Diner

Hi! We are so, so very glad you chose our humble restaurant as the place to get your meal for the day. Study the menu carefully, and make your selection. We have a wide variety of tasty treats, sure to please even the pickiest of eaters.

Appetizers

Frolic Bread: Ten slices of bread seasoned with garlic squeezings, our secret blend of herbs, and a sprinkling of arsenic.

The Big Boy: Combining 300 kg of black angus beef with a bun fifty sizes too small, this delightful treat is excellent as a light snack on the go.

The Salad: The Salad never changes. It consists of a bowl filled with uranium.

The Atom Smasher: One of our waiters will come to your table and put you in a headlock. Another waiter will then arrive armed with a large hammer. The rest of your family can enjoy the particles you left behind after the process is done. Not recommended for those with a peanut allergy.

Negative Fries: Eating these will actually make you hungrier. The perfect starter for a long night of devouring. Don't eat more than two.

Main Course

The Chef's Selection: The chef takes a swig of whiskey and throws whatever he can find on the grill. This may or may not include other restaurant personnel.

A Peanut: An authentic, homemade peanut. May contain traces of nuts.

Wizard's Delight: A plate of woodchips, molten rock, and fairy blood. The woodchips are gathered from a real wizard wand.

Flesh: A heap of meat from around 4 to 6 randomly selected animals. The options are Cow, Fish, Elf, Horse, Ox, Goldfish, Duck, Mouse, Owl, Bear, Dog, Cow, Mouse, and Pig.
A true delight for any meat veteran.

The Chef's Recommendation: Our chef comes to your table and tells you exactly what you should order, based on a palm reading. Do not lock eyes with The Chef.

FOOD: A solid, gray block of nutrition. It is delicious. You love FOOD.

This Painting We Found In The House: It's a painting of a clown, crying in the rain and clutching a bottle of whiskey. It is said that eating this will grant you mystical powers.

Dessert

A Full Canister Of Nitrous Oxide: We modify our whipped cream dispensers to dispense nitrous instead of whipped cream. Open wide and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Dentist's Shame: Three scoops of icecream, a banana, an orange, a peanut, a bucket of tootsie rolls, mustard, owl shavings, paint thinner, grape soda, assorted amphetamines, salt, rocks, bone marrow, and a cherry on top.

Soup: Why is this on the dessert menu? Why aren't there any ingredients listed? Some questions best remain unanswered.

Drinks

Cosmic Latte: Coffee so good, it'll blow your mind. We mean it. It'll scorch every synapse in your brain as it attempts to register what the fuck you just drank.

Soda: Various offbrand sodas, like Dr. Preppy, Cloaca Cola, Dr. John's Peanut Ale, Flinta and Orongo mixed in a bathtub and then funneled straight into your stomach through a tube.

The Bad Bourbon: We searched high and low for the worst bourbon this planet has to offer, and we finally found it. Serving this to a prisoner of war is considered a breach of the galactic code.

Wizard's Phlegm: Exactly what it says on the tin.

The Chef's Wrath: The Chef comes over and talks some sense into you after he realizes you haven't ordered anything all evening. What do you think you are doing? Who do you work for? Who sent you?