Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot

Researchers exploring a warehouse on the edge of reality found the place known only as “Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot”, which had various prizes to be awarded to children that sold cases of salve for the company.

Grab Bag of Axes, Knives and Guns- A bag full of deadly weaponry and a pardon letter.

Glass Eye- A glass eye. Pupil dilates when it is brought near children’s cartoon merchandise.

Marble Ocarina- An ocarina that can only play Dick Dale’s rendition of Misirlou, including drums, regardless of the skill level of the person playing it.

Forbidden Baseball Cards-  A pack of baseball cards of various professional baseball players. Instead of statistics, it lists the date they were born and the date they died, despite most if not all of the players featured on the cards being alive at this moment.

Uncle Bobo’s “Science Can be Fun!” Chemistry Set- A box full of beakers and various powders. Analysis of the first bag of powder reveals its contents are mostly amphetamine.

Statue of Mickey Mouse- A statue of cartoon character “Mickey Mouse.” Not noteworthy apart from an inscription on the base reading “All hail.”

Tubes of Wacky Putty- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Counterclockwise Watch- None of our scientists can figure out why this thing refuses to tell the time like a normal watch, but they don’t care enough to try and fix it either.

Duct Tape Recorder- A tape recorder that can produce sounds out of the bountiful data that is stored on rolls of duct tape. It mostly tends to whisper secrets about whoever is listening.

Tub of Salve- One of the possible rewards for selling a tub of salve is another tub of salve. Not noteworthy apart from the intense feelings of pity the researchers had towards whoever the kids were who got this as a prize.

The Incredible Sulk- An action figure of a green, muscular humanoid with a button on its back. Pressing the button causes the small, tinny speaker embedded in its stomach to say various lines. All of the lines have the Sulk losing his job and his wife as subject.

"Super" Mario-  An action figure of pop culture icon and video game hero Super Mario. Price tag notes the "Super" in "Super Mario" in quotation marks, and scientists noted the face looked a tiny bit off, but they couldn't put their finger on it. 

A Small Monkey- Who the fuck ran this depot?

Uncle Bobo’s Urine Samples- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Bag Of Peanuts- Perfectly edible.

Real Motherfucking Tank- A real motherfuckin' tank, for steamrolling those goddamn bullies once and for all. All the kids that got this one were sorely disappointed once they found out the cannon doesn't function and the bible-verse-reciting comic relief sergeant in it wouldn't let them in. 

Elder Talisman- A necklace with a talisman depicting a symbol that can not be drawn by human hands. Researchers are unable to determine what material the necklace is made out of, but the safest bet is “nothing good.”

Uncle Bobo’s Tongue- A disembodied, forked tongue suspended in formaldehyde.

Walther P99- As the duty pistol for law enforcement agencies in North America, Europe and Asia, the P99 has endured the harshest operating conditions a handgun will ever see. What’s more, its ergonomics and engineering have evolved subtly in response to feedback from agencies over the years. The P99 is truly a world class handgun for professionals who must trust their lives to a firearm.

Uncle Bobo’s Britches- A pair of weird pants. Uncle Bobo appeared to lack a fashion sense along with common sense or a conscience.