Chef Ned’s Secret Menu Exploration Guide

Hey you! Yeah, you! Tired of eating the same old whopper at burger king? Completely done with dipping your chicken nuggets into regular, plain old barbecue sauce? Then this is your lucky day.

I have travelled the globe and infiltrated the headquarters of the most respected fastfood restaurants in the world, and gathered intel on the menu items the MAN(AGER) doesn’t want you to order.

We will be handling the most popular restaurant in this little teaser web post… I’ll unleash the full secrets of fast gastronomy in my book, To Serve Man.

McDonalds

Threat Level: Yellow

Ah. What child has not enjoyed eating here, and then unpacking the cheap plastic toy that came with their food? Little did you know that McDonalds offers so much more than just hamburgers. So much more.

So much more.

Secret menu item: The McRetribution

What is it: Toasted bun containing an especially large and thick communion wafer instead of a patty, lettuce, onions, and red wine sauce.

How do I order it: Stare the person taking your order right in the eyes, and DEMAND a more traditional meal because it is your god-given right as an American citizen to eat this.

Secret menu item: Grease Nuggets

What is it: Greasy balls of lard, lightly breaded and deep fried until a golden brown.

How do I order it: Don’t.

Secret menu item: Owl Shavings

What is it: Owl shavings.

How do I order it: The moment you walk into the restaurant, headbutt the first person you see. Two managers will leap over the counter and bound towards you, and will attempt to restrain you. Dash towards the kitchen, and grab the largest cutting utensil in your reach. Point it at the managers, intimidating them into surrender. Tie their hands behind their backs, and jump on a table. Loudly announce that this is a robbery, and that if everyone keeps calm and doesn’t play hero, no one else has to get hurt. The cashier will likely attempt to reach for the alarm button hidden under the counter. Throw the knife into their shoulder to make them stop doing that.

Walk to the cash register and empty it. Stuff all the money into your pockets. Yell loudly that you are going to be on the news, and that your name is Handsome Leonard, the quickest draw in the west.  Move to the pantry, and secure a small packet labelled “Owl Shavings”.

Secret menu item: The McKing

What is it: A ¼ lb of savory flame-grilled beef topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun.

How do I order it: Ask for “The King’s Special” and wink at the cashier. When they break out in cold sweat and nervously mumble “T…th-the King?”, just smile at them and nod. The cashier will then calm down visibly, walk into the kitchen, and grab the largest cutting utensil in their reach. They will then vault the counter, walk out the door, and enter the nearest Burger King.

They will return, crawling through the door on their hands and knees, quickly bleeding out from multiple gunshot wounds. They will gurgle one last time, and expire. After that, you are free to claim your prize.

Secret menu item: Beef

What is it: A slab of curiously yellowish-coloured meat that seems to repel most pets.

How do I order it: Lean over to the cashier, and softly hiss in their ear. They will nod, and walk down into the McBasement. If you listen closely, you can hear ferocious growling sounds coming from the clown chained to the walls of the McCatacomb. The sound of a violent skirmish will sound loudly throughout the restaurant, visibly unnerving the fry cook. Once the cashier returns, they will be holding the Beef.

Do not, in any situation, consume the Beef.

Secret menu item: The McSecret

What is it: A perfectly ordinary hamburger, with a  light spreading of peanut sauce instead of ketchup.

How do I order it: This one requires a little bit of preparation. First of all, you must make sure you have not drank any tap water in the last five months. The nanomachines in it will disallow you from learning the truth.

Walk up to the cashier, and take a one-dollar bill from your wallet. Fold it so that the reverse side of the seal is shown, the one with the unfinished pyramid on it. Hand it to the cashier, and then pantomime tying a noose and hanging a woodland critter with it.

The cashier will then say the phrase “Annuit Coeptis” to you. Reply with the words “Novus Ordo Seclorum”. The cashier will then start sobbing uncontrollably, and open their mouth to reveal a gaping darkness.

Reach in with your non-dominant hand. Move your hand around until you feel a smooth, round object. If at any point you feel a squamous, slightly slimy object, immediately pull your hand out, leap out of the nearest window, and run.

Firmly grab the orb and slowly pull your hand out of the cashier. Close your eyes. When you open them, you will see in your hands a neatly wrapped McDonalds hamburger. Remove the wrapper, and take a bite. Think strongly of anything you have always wondered, and you will suddenly realize the answer. You might hear soft whispering in the back of your mind. Pay no attention to the words. Focus on the voice instead. Is it someone you know? An old friend?

The whispering will continue for around seven months, seven days, and seven minutes.

Be careful what you think of when taking your first bite. You might not like the answer to some of the things you have been wondering about.