19,99 $

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO FADES. LARRY WALKS ON STAGE, CARRYING A STACK OF PAPERS.]

Good evening, tv-watching folks! Welcome once again to Sellevision, the completely televised catalogue of things you didn’t KNOW you needed!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I’m your host, Larry. Yknow, from accounting? That Larry. Hiya!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

So. Y’know, we’ve got some uh, some real good stuff for you on offer today. It’s a very special episode, after all. Can’t air a program without doing a Dependence Day special, hehe.

Without further ado, let’s get right into it.

So, you see, what we got here is… ah, it’s lovely. This one’s a winner, folks. It’s a real beaut. Ever wanted to know the human skeleton like the back of your hand? This Do-It-Yourself Anatomy Set is bound to please your desires. See, it comes with everything you need. All the various bonesaws and scalpels, a diagram or two, some disinfectant, a rag… all you need is your subject. Pets, people, plants! You name it, you can dissect it!

[AUDIENCE CLAPS]

Alright alright, settle down everybody. It’s not that good. Not when you see what else we have. In any case, the whole package, it’s yours for 50 bucks. That’s fifty united states dollars. Call within the next fifteen minutes, you get two. Delight a friend!

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. NEXT TO IT IS A PHONE NUMBER.]

Alright, so this next one it’s… uh, it’s a doozy. You see, here we go. Truly you too have problems at home with those cupboards, right? You open em, and stuff falls out, and it makes a mess, and it’s really really bad… Heh. Yeah, well we’ve got a solution. See this is… uh…

[LARRY WHISPERS TO A STAGEHAND. DIGITAL ENHANCEMENT IDENTIFIED WORDS SUCH AS “…A fucking padlock…” AND “…Expect me to sell this shit…”]

A-hem. So, this is the Mess-Bye Inc. Cupboard Protector. It seals the doors to that one cupboard you got. Protect stuff with it, if you want. You could probably use it on something else too, go wild. Twenty bucks, it’s yours.

[VIDEO SNIPPET OF WOMAN FAILING TO OPERATE A CUPBOARD]

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Alright, cool it you guys. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get through, so uh, just… just bear with me alright? Stop trying to rush me.

So, this, this is a real gem ladies and gents. Ever woke up one morning, hungry for something to snack on, yet there was nothing in the house to suit your tastes? Why not try Peanut™? It’s uh, it really is one! It’s a peanut, folks. There you have it.

[FANFARE SNIPPET PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Hold on, I haven’t even explained what you can do wi- Y’know what, forget it. Figure it out yourself. Let’s just swiftly move on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS UPROARIOUSLY]

Yeah, this is good. This product is a good one. Having trouble gathering out in the woods, because your friends keep getting chilly? Need something to impress that new Being you are trying to appease? Why not try MayaTek Insulated Robes?

Whether you are worshiping a forbidden legume or the patron saint of apathy, just put these on and immediately give your prayers that little bit ‘extra’ that we all want. 70 bucks, but you can pay it over the course of 4 months if you can’t do that.

[AUDIENCE CHANTS SOFTLY]

Nice. Good stuff, use it myself all the time. Company meeting room has this really awful air conditioning we can’t turn off. Alright, what’s next… uh… Yeah!

Tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Need a pick-me-up? Going out to town with friends, and want to liven up the evening? Why not try out a vial of Crow Dust? You can get a tryout pack for free if you just call the number on the screen. It’s some pretty good stuff. I use it every day before I go to work, and man, lemme tell you, meetings become a lot more fun when you can only focus on counting the number of molecules in your fingernails.

Completely replaces whatever your body craves. Hunger is gone, thirst is no more. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, headaches, organ liquification, and kidney stones.

First one’s free! Rest will cost ya. Dunno how much, don’t care enough to remember. Anyways…

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

GOD, CAN YOU JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN FOR A SECOND?

Alright, that’s better.

[LARRY GRABS PISTOL FROM HIS POCKET]

So what we got here is pretty good, I use it on a daily basis. It’s called a Glock 17.

The 9x19mm Glock 17 is the most widely used law enforcement pistol worldwide and is one of the best selling handguns to civilians in the USA. Because of its unsurpassed reliability, above-average magazine capacity of 17 rounds and its low weight, it is trusted by law enforcement officers and security professionals worldwide. It is safe, easy and quick to use through the revolutionary "Safe Action" trigger system. Glock 17 - designed for professionals. 

475 dollars, give or take. No haggling.

[FANFARE SNIPPET FROM EARLIER PLAYS. LARRY LOOKS VISIBLY UNNERVED. HE IS STILL HOLDING THE PISTOL.]

Okay, I know what’s going to happen now. You’re gonna cheer. They’ll expect me to just stand here and take it. Alright, I get it. I get what they want from me. They’re not going to get it though. Not today.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

That’s right. I’m done with this. I’m done with all of you. And I’m done with that bozo over there manning the lights.

[LARRY TAKES AIM]

Goodnight, funnyman.

[LARRY FIRES OFF FOUR SHOTS. A SOFT THUMP IS HEARD AS A BATTERED CLOWN BODY HITS THE GROUND.]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

STOP IT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[LARRY WILDLY FIRES HIS PISTOL. FLESHY IMPACTS ARE HEARD AS NUMEROUS AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE STRUCK.]

STOP IIIIT! PLEASE!

[APPLAUSE]

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!

[LARRY FIRES A SHOT AT THE CAMERA, WHICH IMMEDIATELY FALLS TO THE GROUND. FILMING CONTINUES FROM THE FLOOR.]

It’s over. It has to be over. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go back. I can’t go back. I can’t go back.

[ONE LAST GUNSHOT IS HEARD]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot

Researchers exploring a warehouse on the edge of reality found the place known only as “Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot”, which had various prizes to be awarded to children that sold cases of salve for the company.

Grab Bag of Axes, Knives and Guns- A bag full of deadly weaponry and a pardon letter.

Glass Eye- A glass eye. Pupil dilates when it is brought near children’s cartoon merchandise.

Marble Ocarina- An ocarina that can only play Dick Dale’s rendition of Misirlou, including drums, regardless of the skill level of the person playing it.

Forbidden Baseball Cards-  A pack of baseball cards of various professional baseball players. Instead of statistics, it lists the date they were born and the date they died, despite most if not all of the players featured on the cards being alive at this moment.

Uncle Bobo’s “Science Can be Fun!” Chemistry Set- A box full of beakers and various powders. Analysis of the first bag of powder reveals its contents are mostly amphetamine.

Statue of Mickey Mouse- A statue of cartoon character “Mickey Mouse.” Not noteworthy apart from an inscription on the base reading “All hail.”

Tubes of Wacky Putty- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Counterclockwise Watch- None of our scientists can figure out why this thing refuses to tell the time like a normal watch, but they don’t care enough to try and fix it either.

Duct Tape Recorder- A tape recorder that can produce sounds out of the bountiful data that is stored on rolls of duct tape. It mostly tends to whisper secrets about whoever is listening.

Tub of Salve- One of the possible rewards for selling a tub of salve is another tub of salve. Not noteworthy apart from the intense feelings of pity the researchers had towards whoever the kids were who got this as a prize.

The Incredible Sulk- An action figure of a green, muscular humanoid with a button on its back. Pressing the button causes the small, tinny speaker embedded in its stomach to say various lines. All of the lines have the Sulk losing his job and his wife as subject.

"Super" Mario-  An action figure of pop culture icon and video game hero Super Mario. Price tag notes the "Super" in "Super Mario" in quotation marks, and scientists noted the face looked a tiny bit off, but they couldn't put their finger on it. 

A Small Monkey- Who the fuck ran this depot?

Uncle Bobo’s Urine Samples- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Bag Of Peanuts- Perfectly edible.

Real Motherfucking Tank- A real motherfuckin' tank, for steamrolling those goddamn bullies once and for all. All the kids that got this one were sorely disappointed once they found out the cannon doesn't function and the bible-verse-reciting comic relief sergeant in it wouldn't let them in. 

Elder Talisman- A necklace with a talisman depicting a symbol that can not be drawn by human hands. Researchers are unable to determine what material the necklace is made out of, but the safest bet is “nothing good.”

Uncle Bobo’s Tongue- A disembodied, forked tongue suspended in formaldehyde.

Walther P99- As the duty pistol for law enforcement agencies in North America, Europe and Asia, the P99 has endured the harshest operating conditions a handgun will ever see. What’s more, its ergonomics and engineering have evolved subtly in response to feedback from agencies over the years. The P99 is truly a world class handgun for professionals who must trust their lives to a firearm.

Uncle Bobo’s Britches- A pair of weird pants. Uncle Bobo appeared to lack a fashion sense along with common sense or a conscience.

Vortex Diner

Hi! We are so, so very glad you chose our humble restaurant as the place to get your meal for the day. Study the menu carefully, and make your selection. We have a wide variety of tasty treats, sure to please even the pickiest of eaters.

Appetizers

Frolic Bread: Ten slices of bread seasoned with garlic squeezings, our secret blend of herbs, and a sprinkling of arsenic.

The Big Boy: Combining 300 kg of black angus beef with a bun fifty sizes too small, this delightful treat is excellent as a light snack on the go.

The Salad: The Salad never changes. It consists of a bowl filled with uranium.

The Atom Smasher: One of our waiters will come to your table and put you in a headlock. Another waiter will then arrive armed with a large hammer. The rest of your family can enjoy the particles you left behind after the process is done. Not recommended for those with a peanut allergy.

Negative Fries: Eating these will actually make you hungrier. The perfect starter for a long night of devouring. Don't eat more than two.

Main Course

The Chef's Selection: The chef takes a swig of whiskey and throws whatever he can find on the grill. This may or may not include other restaurant personnel.

A Peanut: An authentic, homemade peanut. May contain traces of nuts.

Wizard's Delight: A plate of woodchips, molten rock, and fairy blood. The woodchips are gathered from a real wizard wand.

Flesh: A heap of meat from around 4 to 6 randomly selected animals. The options are Cow, Fish, Elf, Horse, Ox, Goldfish, Duck, Mouse, Owl, Bear, Dog, Cow, Mouse, and Pig.
A true delight for any meat veteran.

The Chef's Recommendation: Our chef comes to your table and tells you exactly what you should order, based on a palm reading. Do not lock eyes with The Chef.

FOOD: A solid, gray block of nutrition. It is delicious. You love FOOD.

This Painting We Found In The House: It's a painting of a clown, crying in the rain and clutching a bottle of whiskey. It is said that eating this will grant you mystical powers.

Dessert

A Full Canister Of Nitrous Oxide: We modify our whipped cream dispensers to dispense nitrous instead of whipped cream. Open wide and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Dentist's Shame: Three scoops of icecream, a banana, an orange, a peanut, a bucket of tootsie rolls, mustard, owl shavings, paint thinner, grape soda, assorted amphetamines, salt, rocks, bone marrow, and a cherry on top.

Soup: Why is this on the dessert menu? Why aren't there any ingredients listed? Some questions best remain unanswered.

Drinks

Cosmic Latte: Coffee so good, it'll blow your mind. We mean it. It'll scorch every synapse in your brain as it attempts to register what the fuck you just drank.

Soda: Various offbrand sodas, like Dr. Preppy, Cloaca Cola, Dr. John's Peanut Ale, Flinta and Orongo mixed in a bathtub and then funneled straight into your stomach through a tube.

The Bad Bourbon: We searched high and low for the worst bourbon this planet has to offer, and we finally found it. Serving this to a prisoner of war is considered a breach of the galactic code.

Wizard's Phlegm: Exactly what it says on the tin.

The Chef's Wrath: The Chef comes over and talks some sense into you after he realizes you haven't ordered anything all evening. What do you think you are doing? Who do you work for? Who sent you?

Top 8 Elvis Presley Facts You DID NOT Know

Everyone knows Elvis Presley. Everyone LOVES Elvis Presley. We know you love this man. You probably know everything about him. I can smell it on you. You consider yourself an Elvis geek. A regular detective, scouring for info on The King every hour of your life. But you don't know everything.

Elvis was a big eater.

He started every day with an entire canned ham, and towards lunch he would usually be found snacking on bowls of jellied eels and unbaked cookie dough. His favourite food was reported to be the "Fools Gold Loaf". The recipe is as followed: A large hollowed out loaf of bread, filled with one jar of peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, one jar of bacon, one jar of bread, a canned ham, various cured and smoked meats, eyelashes, congealed hog's blood, and a jar of jellied eels.

Elvis HATED His Fans.

There were many people in life that Elvis Presley loathed. His fans were all of them. His mansion was guarded by his own private army, the Blue Sues. These men and women were known for their cruelty, from crucifying people asking for autographs to draping the gates of his home in entrails as a warning to potential enemies. Elvis himself was once quoted saying: "I fucking hate these people. I wish they went away. I never should have done it. I never should have forgotten Master's scent. It seriously puts a damper on the mood, man. I can't enjoy my ham like this. This has to stop."

Elvis died twice.

This one might come as a surprise. We all know Elvis died on a toilet in 1977, right? But no, the truth is far more sinister than that. Elvis has died once before that time. Listening to the album "Having Fun With Elvis On Stage" backwards reveals a message from The King himself, composed of him yelling obscenities at an unknown foe as loud sounds are heard, indicating someone or something trying to bash down his door. He clearly states that he is hiding behind his desk, wielding a snub-nose revolver, and can be heard firing off shots at his assailants. The moment the message ends, a loud crack of splintering wood is heard, followed by soft squelching.

Elvis had a clone.

Elvis's clone was known simply as "Filthy Elvis" to him and his inner circle. Filthy Elvis was known for his crass language and rude demeanor, very few people who knew of his existence would claim to like him or be friends with him. Filthy Elvis was a heavy smoker, never seen in public without at least five lit cigarettes in his mouth. He had pubic hair growing through his jumpsuit, which has fused with his skin from the moment he got released out of the vats. He had no eyes, but chose to disguise this with a large pair of tacky sunglasses, which he never took off. On his rare dealings with the public, he would impersonate Elvis Prime, doing the same moves and sometimes replacing him during a concert when Elvis Prime felt down. Eventually the false fame rose to his head, and Filthy Elvis was shot during a standoff with the police in 1955. His death would go unmentioned to the public, and he was buried in an unmarked grave, somewhere in Death Valley national park.

Elvis looked like an angel.

He fooled people with his kisses, he cheated, he schemed, he told lies. No one saw through him until years after his second death. No one knew of his sadism, his creativeness in his killings, or his fortified bunker in Memphis. It wasn't until 1985 that an unknown private detective stumbled upon his bunker, snuck inside, and discovered The King's now-famous "pain barn". The man remained anonymous, and simply delivered an unmarked envelope full of  photos and a severed finger to the Mephis Police Department.

Elvis never apologized for "Having Fun With Elvis On Stage". 

Even years after it got released and panned by critics and fans alike, he maintained his view that it was a "really good album" and "contained some fucking good tunes". However, there's substantial evidence that Elvis quite regretted and was deeply hurt by the reception to it. He would be found staring out of his window, crying and drinking liquor from an old fruit jar for most of his days until his eventual second death.

Elvis had a secret, hidden album.

Known to true fans as the infamous "Fuck You" album, this album has been almost completely wiped off the face of the earth. There were only five copies in existence, and four of them were sealed in Elvis's secret catacombs. The fifth one was found in an industrial furnace, completely unharmed by the flames roaring around it. After employees fished it out, they played it and noticed that though the record was still functional, it played only a demonic wail of some sorts, followed by the song "Nothin' But A Hound Dog" repeated thirtyseven times, with Elvis sounding more and more exhausted after every loop. By the end, The King lets loose a wet, hacking cough, and the record stops after you hear the sound of a brick being thrown at high speed hitting something fleshy. 

Elvis was president of the united states for five minutes.

No one knows how this happened. The King immediately seized the moment and used it to his favour, by legalizing torture on prisoners of war and naming the long-deceased Joseph Grimaldi as his vice-president. After he was forcibly escorted out of the white house, he fired off a .308 caliber rifle round at a random passerby, vomited into a gutter, and collapsed. Paramedics escorted him to his home, and applied strong amnesiac drugs to make sure he did not remember the event. 

Spongebob JUMPED THE SHARK after the first movie happened, and here's why

We all love Spongebob Squarepants, the wackiest cartoon out there. It's been with us since July 17, 1999. However, after the first movie got released, the show took a massive dive in quality and we, the fans, started abandoning The Sponge. Here is a list of a few reasons why everyone knows that this lovely cartoon started jumping the shark.

• Spongebob legally changed his name to "Marijuanabob Weedpants" (Seriously, Nickelodeon? KIDS SHOW!)
• Spongebob stopped wearing pants and dragged his malformed dick around the screen at all times
• Patrick got laid
• Mr. Krabs joined the church of scientology
• Spongebob's grandparents died, resulting in the events that would end up causing The Splinter to air
• Plankton stole the secret formula, and used it to rewrite history in a way that did not result in the birth of Eugene Krabs, therefore destroying all competition
• Season 6, episode 5 where there was an unneeded censor bar over Squidward's nose at all times 
• Sandy learned the secrets of the cosmos and ascended to a higher plane of existence
• Plankton joined the army and died for his country
• That episode where squidward grew a toenail for the sole purpose of it being painfully removed through Spongebob's antics
• Theme song got changed to Sail by AWOLNATION, reversed
• Patrick received whispers from the darkness during one of his DMT experiences and proceeded to change his behavior to that of a huge jerk
• The entire cast of Fairly Oddparents came to bikini bottom for a vacation, set everything on fire, and left
• Squidward became anatomically correct
• Spongebob grew eyeballs on his two regular arms 
• Patrick deep-fried his face and served himself to hungry customers, chanting "Eat The Starfish" until the customers joined in
• An average human male named Jim started living in Sandy's treedome after her ascension
• Spongebob insisted that everyone called him The Sponge instead of his actual name
• Squidward took up pro wrestling 
• Bubble Bass died
• Squilliam Fancyson sold his own genitals for seven dollars and five cents
• The second movie's ending song got changed (They wanted to do Ocean Man again at first, but settled on Waving My Dick In The Wind instead.)
• Spongebob grew ten extra arms on his ass after losing both his legs in an industrial accident
• Spongebob lost his face's eyeballs, opting instead to see through his hands 
• After a failed ritual to bring Sandy back, Jim, Sandy, Squidward and Mr. Krabs got fused into The Meat
• Squidward joined the freemasons
• Spongebob stopped hanging out with The Meat around season 9... seriously, what a jerk! This is not the loveable sponge we used to know!
• Secret morse code hidden in all of the dialogue about mr krabs' disappearance, spelling out "SAVE THE CRAB"

Reasons Happy Days Stopped Being Good After the Fourth Season

Everyone loves the wacky antics of Arthur Herbert "Fonzie" Fonzarelli. However, most people agree that Happy Days, after the infamous fourth season, REALLY stopped being fun to watch. Here's a couple of reasons.

1. Fonzie screwed up the shark jump and got eaten
2. Chuck Cunningham came back but no one acknowledged his existence and he didn't do anything other than sit on the stairs and spin his basketball
3. Richie Cunningham won a million dollars in the lottery and bought a gun
4. Arnold's Diner got bought out by Alfred "Al" Delvecchio
5. Arnold's Diner got rated "not so good" by the entire band Weezer
6. The entire Full House cast came to live with the Cunninghams
7. Richie's Mom died in an industrial accident
8. Secret whispers from beyond the stars in the theme song
9. The jukebox at Arnold's Diner got repaired by an actual mechanic instead of by a shoulder bash, and subsequently could only play numbers stations
10. Potsie vomited up black sludge at the end of every episode
11. Fonzie came back, but changed his catchphrase to "Yoooo!"
12. Potsie and Ralph were offscreen beating up a homeless man for the entirety of season 7
13. Drip-Fed Fred became mayor of the town
14. The Cunninghams became homeless vagrants
15. Richie's friends got sex lives
16. Season 9 was just Fonzie staring into the camera, eating a bag of peanuts and loudly quoting scripture
17. Archie came to town and was subsequently strangled by Ralph
18. Every episode in season 8 was called "Fonzie's Funeral"
19. Richie and Ralph left to join the military and were replaced by Fonzie's annoying cousin
20. Fonzie's annoying cousin's name means "penis" in several languages

Chef Ned’s Secret Menu Exploration Guide

Hey you! Yeah, you! Tired of eating the same old whopper at burger king? Completely done with dipping your chicken nuggets into regular, plain old barbecue sauce? Then this is your lucky day.

I have travelled the globe and infiltrated the headquarters of the most respected fastfood restaurants in the world, and gathered intel on the menu items the MAN(AGER) doesn’t want you to order.

We will be handling the most popular restaurant in this little teaser web post… I’ll unleash the full secrets of fast gastronomy in my book, To Serve Man.

McDonalds

Threat Level: Yellow

Ah. What child has not enjoyed eating here, and then unpacking the cheap plastic toy that came with their food? Little did you know that McDonalds offers so much more than just hamburgers. So much more.

So much more.

Secret menu item: The McRetribution

What is it: Toasted bun containing an especially large and thick communion wafer instead of a patty, lettuce, onions, and red wine sauce.

How do I order it: Stare the person taking your order right in the eyes, and DEMAND a more traditional meal because it is your god-given right as an American citizen to eat this.

Secret menu item: Grease Nuggets

What is it: Greasy balls of lard, lightly breaded and deep fried until a golden brown.

How do I order it: Don’t.

Secret menu item: Owl Shavings

What is it: Owl shavings.

How do I order it: The moment you walk into the restaurant, headbutt the first person you see. Two managers will leap over the counter and bound towards you, and will attempt to restrain you. Dash towards the kitchen, and grab the largest cutting utensil in your reach. Point it at the managers, intimidating them into surrender. Tie their hands behind their backs, and jump on a table. Loudly announce that this is a robbery, and that if everyone keeps calm and doesn’t play hero, no one else has to get hurt. The cashier will likely attempt to reach for the alarm button hidden under the counter. Throw the knife into their shoulder to make them stop doing that.

Walk to the cash register and empty it. Stuff all the money into your pockets. Yell loudly that you are going to be on the news, and that your name is Handsome Leonard, the quickest draw in the west.  Move to the pantry, and secure a small packet labelled “Owl Shavings”.

Secret menu item: The McKing

What is it: A ¼ lb of savory flame-grilled beef topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun.

How do I order it: Ask for “The King’s Special” and wink at the cashier. When they break out in cold sweat and nervously mumble “T…th-the King?”, just smile at them and nod. The cashier will then calm down visibly, walk into the kitchen, and grab the largest cutting utensil in their reach. They will then vault the counter, walk out the door, and enter the nearest Burger King.

They will return, crawling through the door on their hands and knees, quickly bleeding out from multiple gunshot wounds. They will gurgle one last time, and expire. After that, you are free to claim your prize.

Secret menu item: Beef

What is it: A slab of curiously yellowish-coloured meat that seems to repel most pets.

How do I order it: Lean over to the cashier, and softly hiss in their ear. They will nod, and walk down into the McBasement. If you listen closely, you can hear ferocious growling sounds coming from the clown chained to the walls of the McCatacomb. The sound of a violent skirmish will sound loudly throughout the restaurant, visibly unnerving the fry cook. Once the cashier returns, they will be holding the Beef.

Do not, in any situation, consume the Beef.

Secret menu item: The McSecret

What is it: A perfectly ordinary hamburger, with a  light spreading of peanut sauce instead of ketchup.

How do I order it: This one requires a little bit of preparation. First of all, you must make sure you have not drank any tap water in the last five months. The nanomachines in it will disallow you from learning the truth.

Walk up to the cashier, and take a one-dollar bill from your wallet. Fold it so that the reverse side of the seal is shown, the one with the unfinished pyramid on it. Hand it to the cashier, and then pantomime tying a noose and hanging a woodland critter with it.

The cashier will then say the phrase “Annuit Coeptis” to you. Reply with the words “Novus Ordo Seclorum”. The cashier will then start sobbing uncontrollably, and open their mouth to reveal a gaping darkness.

Reach in with your non-dominant hand. Move your hand around until you feel a smooth, round object. If at any point you feel a squamous, slightly slimy object, immediately pull your hand out, leap out of the nearest window, and run.

Firmly grab the orb and slowly pull your hand out of the cashier. Close your eyes. When you open them, you will see in your hands a neatly wrapped McDonalds hamburger. Remove the wrapper, and take a bite. Think strongly of anything you have always wondered, and you will suddenly realize the answer. You might hear soft whispering in the back of your mind. Pay no attention to the words. Focus on the voice instead. Is it someone you know? An old friend?

The whispering will continue for around seven months, seven days, and seven minutes.

Be careful what you think of when taking your first bite. You might not like the answer to some of the things you have been wondering about.