Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot

Researchers exploring a warehouse on the edge of reality found the place known only as “Uncle Bobo’s Prize Depot”, which had various prizes to be awarded to children that sold cases of salve for the company.

Grab Bag of Axes, Knives and Guns- A bag full of deadly weaponry and a pardon letter.

Glass Eye- A glass eye. Pupil dilates when it is brought near children’s cartoon merchandise.

Marble Ocarina- An ocarina that can only play Dick Dale’s rendition of Misirlou, including drums, regardless of the skill level of the person playing it.

Forbidden Baseball Cards-  A pack of baseball cards of various professional baseball players. Instead of statistics, it lists the date they were born and the date they died, despite most if not all of the players featured on the cards being alive at this moment.

Uncle Bobo’s “Science Can be Fun!” Chemistry Set- A box full of beakers and various powders. Analysis of the first bag of powder reveals its contents are mostly amphetamine.

Statue of Mickey Mouse- A statue of cartoon character “Mickey Mouse.” Not noteworthy apart from an inscription on the base reading “All hail.”

Tubes of Wacky Putty- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Counterclockwise Watch- None of our scientists can figure out why this thing refuses to tell the time like a normal watch, but they don’t care enough to try and fix it either.

Duct Tape Recorder- A tape recorder that can produce sounds out of the bountiful data that is stored on rolls of duct tape. It mostly tends to whisper secrets about whoever is listening.

Tub of Salve- One of the possible rewards for selling a tub of salve is another tub of salve. Not noteworthy apart from the intense feelings of pity the researchers had towards whoever the kids were who got this as a prize.

The Incredible Sulk- An action figure of a green, muscular humanoid with a button on its back. Pressing the button causes the small, tinny speaker embedded in its stomach to say various lines. All of the lines have the Sulk losing his job and his wife as subject.

"Super" Mario-  An action figure of pop culture icon and video game hero Super Mario. Price tag notes the "Super" in "Super Mario" in quotation marks, and scientists noted the face looked a tiny bit off, but they couldn't put their finger on it. 

A Small Monkey- Who the fuck ran this depot?

Uncle Bobo’s Urine Samples- Lab analysis reveals them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.

Bag Of Peanuts- Perfectly edible.

Real Motherfucking Tank- A real motherfuckin' tank, for steamrolling those goddamn bullies once and for all. All the kids that got this one were sorely disappointed once they found out the cannon doesn't function and the bible-verse-reciting comic relief sergeant in it wouldn't let them in. 

Elder Talisman- A necklace with a talisman depicting a symbol that can not be drawn by human hands. Researchers are unable to determine what material the necklace is made out of, but the safest bet is “nothing good.”

Uncle Bobo’s Tongue- A disembodied, forked tongue suspended in formaldehyde.

Walther P99- As the duty pistol for law enforcement agencies in North America, Europe and Asia, the P99 has endured the harshest operating conditions a handgun will ever see. What’s more, its ergonomics and engineering have evolved subtly in response to feedback from agencies over the years. The P99 is truly a world class handgun for professionals who must trust their lives to a firearm.

Uncle Bobo’s Britches- A pair of weird pants. Uncle Bobo appeared to lack a fashion sense along with common sense or a conscience.

Vortex Diner

Hi! We are so, so very glad you chose our humble restaurant as the place to get your meal for the day. Study the menu carefully, and make your selection. We have a wide variety of tasty treats, sure to please even the pickiest of eaters.

Appetizers

Frolic Bread: Ten slices of bread seasoned with garlic squeezings, our secret blend of herbs, and a sprinkling of arsenic.

The Big Boy: Combining 300 kg of black angus beef with a bun fifty sizes too small, this delightful treat is excellent as a light snack on the go.

The Salad: The Salad never changes. It consists of a bowl filled with uranium.

The Atom Smasher: One of our waiters will come to your table and put you in a headlock. Another waiter will then arrive armed with a large hammer. The rest of your family can enjoy the particles you left behind after the process is done. Not recommended for those with a peanut allergy.

Negative Fries: Eating these will actually make you hungrier. The perfect starter for a long night of devouring. Don't eat more than two.

Main Course

The Chef's Selection: The chef takes a swig of whiskey and throws whatever he can find on the grill. This may or may not include other restaurant personnel.

A Peanut: An authentic, homemade peanut. May contain traces of nuts.

Wizard's Delight: A plate of woodchips, molten rock, and fairy blood. The woodchips are gathered from a real wizard wand.

Flesh: A heap of meat from around 4 to 6 randomly selected animals. The options are Cow, Fish, Elf, Horse, Ox, Goldfish, Duck, Mouse, Owl, Bear, Dog, Cow, Mouse, and Pig.
A true delight for any meat veteran.

The Chef's Recommendation: Our chef comes to your table and tells you exactly what you should order, based on a palm reading. Do not lock eyes with The Chef.

FOOD: A solid, gray block of nutrition. It is delicious. You love FOOD.

This Painting We Found In The House: It's a painting of a clown, crying in the rain and clutching a bottle of whiskey. It is said that eating this will grant you mystical powers.

Dessert

A Full Canister Of Nitrous Oxide: We modify our whipped cream dispensers to dispense nitrous instead of whipped cream. Open wide and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Dentist's Shame: Three scoops of icecream, a banana, an orange, a peanut, a bucket of tootsie rolls, mustard, owl shavings, paint thinner, grape soda, assorted amphetamines, salt, rocks, bone marrow, and a cherry on top.

Soup: Why is this on the dessert menu? Why aren't there any ingredients listed? Some questions best remain unanswered.

Drinks

Cosmic Latte: Coffee so good, it'll blow your mind. We mean it. It'll scorch every synapse in your brain as it attempts to register what the fuck you just drank.

Soda: Various offbrand sodas, like Dr. Preppy, Cloaca Cola, Dr. John's Peanut Ale, Flinta and Orongo mixed in a bathtub and then funneled straight into your stomach through a tube.

The Bad Bourbon: We searched high and low for the worst bourbon this planet has to offer, and we finally found it. Serving this to a prisoner of war is considered a breach of the galactic code.

Wizard's Phlegm: Exactly what it says on the tin.

The Chef's Wrath: The Chef comes over and talks some sense into you after he realizes you haven't ordered anything all evening. What do you think you are doing? Who do you work for? Who sent you?

Overtime

It is Sunday, 7:23 A.M. You just finished a light breakfast of toast and scrambled eggs with bacon. You cooked the eggs too long and the bacon too shortly, so both were rubbery, and yet you didn’t mind. You aren’t that hungry anyways, and it’s best to not be nauseous on your first day at your new job.

It is Sunday, 7:30 A.M. You realize you have just been replaying the events of your breakfast in your head for a solid seven minutes, despite it just happening. You shrug and walk out the door, to your car. No time to lose. It’s best not to be late on your first day at your new job.

You are driving in your car. It’s a 1971 Ford Pinto. Your friends found it an odd choice for a vehicle, but you got it in a yard sale. Yard sales are weird, sometimes. Usually it’s a collection of old toys and photos of the elderly, but this particular yard sale had an entire car lying on the blanket. You could not find the seller anywhere, behind the mounds of old floppy disks and stuffed animals, so you just left twenty dollars on the blanket. A gnarled hand reached out from under the car, grabbed the bill, and retreated back. Five minutes later, it emerged again, this time clutching rusty car keys. You took them, and drove off immediately. This was five days ago. The first thing you drove to was, of course, your job interview.

The job interview was, surprisingly, very relaxed. A lady told you to enter a room, sit down at the desk, and start up the computer. On said computer was a rather long test to fill out. It started off with basic math questions, moved into basic language questions, and finished with a personality test. The questions the personality test asked you ranged from the obvious (“Do you agree with the view that everyone steals from the workplace sometimes?”) to the unnerving (“Would you ever betray the CEO?”).

You snap out of your thoughts as you near the office complex. End of the line. You step out of the car, and walk to the entrance. You stare at the massive sign looming above the revolving doors.You walk through the doors, sealing your fate. You now work for Bluetronics Incorporated. Walking through revolving doors is, in corporate culture, a declaration of allegiance to a company. You and everything that you do should now be devoted to furthering The Corporation’s goals. That’s fine though, you signed a contract stating you are fine with it.

The secretary looks up from her papers, while you stand there, gawking at the marble floor and the pleasant light-blue wallpaper. She coughs, and you excuse yourself for staring. You tell her you are new here, and that you do not actually know where your office is. She says it’s okay. She also says that your office isn’t actually fully outfitted yet. Computer systems aren’t hooked up yet, and the previous employee’s personal artifacts are still on the desk.

She hands you your employee’s card. From now on, everything you need to do will involve this card. She points to the vending machine, humming softly in the corner. She tells you anytime you feel hungry or thirsty, you can use your company scrip to purchase a beverage or a snack. She informs you you will only be paid in company scrip. She informs you that your office should be ready in fifteen minutes. She informs you your company scrip will be stored on your employee’s card. She informs you you are dependent on your employee’s card.

You accept.

You walk over to the vending machine. You immediately notice you only have three options: Translucent bags in the top row labeled “FOOD”, containing gray cubes. Translucent pouches with straws attached in the middle row labeled “DRINK”, containing a liquid of some sort. Small bags of airline peanuts in the bottom row, containing small oversalted peanuts and costing twice as much as the bags of FOOD. You decide to order some DRINK.

The transaction goes smoothly, and you watch as the pouch of DRINK gets dispensed. You stick in the straw, and sip slowly of the beverage. It tastes of salty nothing. You love DRINK. As you sip, you sit down on one of the folding chairs and wait. Eventually you finish your beverage, and are left biting down on the straw. After what seems like hours, the lady tells you you can go upstairs. She tells you The CEO will meet you there in a while, and that you’ll recognize him. She whispers to you that he has these piercing blue eyes that you can just immediately fall in love with if you are not careful. You thank her for the warning.

You walk up the staircase, eventually arriving at the third floor. The office is empty, but all the computers are switched on anyways. You shuffle forwards, looking at the nameplates in the hope of finding your own. Eventually you do.As you sit down at your desk, you hear footsteps behind you. You swivel your chair around dramatically, and are greeted by The CEO. He looks exactly like you expected from the moment you took the job interview: a tall, suit-and-tie clad man with a light stubble and short brown hair. His eyes, a deep green colour, meet yours, and he smiles as he extends his hand towards you. You reach out and shake his hand. He’s exactly like you pictured him.

It’s very unnerving.

You tell him you still do not know what your job position exactly is. He tells you that does not matter. He tells you you should really start working. You note to yourself that he speaks in the tongue of a bat. You swivel back to your computer, and he walks out towards the staircase. He says that you will have to be working overtime today. You start to ask why you should have to work overtime on your first day, but he is already gone.

You stare at the computer screen, and forget the time. You type on the keyboard, and the screen fills up with a jumble of letters that can only be described as Pure Data. Eventually you grow peckish. You stand up from your desk and walk downstairs. The secretary has gone home. You are alone in the building, although you are not sure since The CEO could have stayed behind to work as well.You make the mistake of looking outside, through the glass of the revolving doors. It is morning.

You check your phone. It is Saturday.

You buy a bag of FOOD.

This is your life now.